Saturday, August 15, 2009

what to do at 6 am and not even close to being sleepy.

hello readers,

its been a while since my last blogging excursion, well the last one was kindof a copy/paste blog, but whatever. Not too much has changed here, other than the fact that ive got less than 2 weeks till Mark comes home! yay, go me!

im fucking thrilled about the whole worrying myself to sickness being over, ive been ill more times in the last year than i ever have been. seriously.

this time in my life is very bittersweet, im completely overjoyed that mark is coming home, but i know as soon as he gets home i have to leave like 2 weeks later to face the music at home. My aunt, who has been one of the most influential people in my life, has been in failing health for a year or two now, and the time has come that she will be getting a kidney and pancreas transplant, which is wonderful, but shes so weak they arent completely sure shell survive the operation. ive intentionally stayed away, just because i was afraid to see her so weak, and with the stress of deployment that it really might push me over the edge and make me lose the little bit of sanity i held on to. I can never express how guilty i feel about this, i feel so terrible that i wasnt there for her when shes always been there for me through the darkest times ive faced thus far. im pretty sure that makes me a bad person. but hopefully i can make up for it, its going to break my heart to see her like that, but as someone once said to me "well its not YOUR deathbed" ive been mentally preparing myself for whats coming for a while, and no matter how long i sit and ponder, im still scared shittless and wondering how i am going to pull through this. ive talked to my grandmother alot through this ordeal, were in the same boat you know. She could have lost a daughter any day, and i could have lost a spouse at any day. But since i dont have kids shes got the trump card on me. i cant imagine that kind of pain, the pain of losing a child. even if they are 51 years old. im just scared i guess. death is part of life. i just hate that she might not be able to see my children, i wonder how they could ever know how amazing she is and how influential shes been in making me the person i am today, if shes not here. sure ill talk about her, but like my grandmother talking about her own mother, i know things about her, but i can never see the face to go with the stories, or the smile that everyone always talked about. she was always a safe harbor for me to go to when things were rough at home, before mark and i got married i lived with them until i moved to alaska. but i guess its time to face the music, and go home and see her, it will make her happy, and at least if she doesnt make it ill have made her happy one last time.

well i started this thing out on a good note and ended on a bad its nearly 7 am and i better go to bed or im gonna fall asleep in the theater. audri and i have a movie date to go see the time travelers wife. excited!