Tuesday, December 16, 2008

kiss my ass, war!

I felt the need to vent tonight. Mark called this evening and i couldnt be more thrilled with that. But before he left i gave him an angel charm that ive had since i was 5. It was given to me by my uncle, who ive seen twice in my lifetime. Ive been able to keep track of it all these years, and i give it to mark and he loses it in 3 months. He told me, and the very little thread thats been holding me to my sanity snapped. Im a pretty superstitious person, and to me that was the world crashing down, if you get what im saying...im like if that angel was keeping him safe what will now?? so as soon as he told me i found one similar to the one i had given him, and i got it engraved with "be safe my love" which i thought was better than my original thought "lose this one and ill have to hurt you" I just feel so very bad about the whole thing, that little trinket had alot of sentimental value to me, and i trusted him with it, and he lost it, thats something i can never get back. He feels awful about it too, but my last thread snapping made me realize that im not doing as well as i initally thought. i dont know if its the impending holidays or what. But im really starting to feel alone. Ive contemplated many times moving home, but i realize that it makes more sense for me to stay up here. I have a house, a car, and all my stuff here, and it would cost a small fortune to move me from alaska to indiana, and id have to move twice to get back up here when he returns. i just dont think its a good idea. Plus i would probably poke out his mothers eye if she got too personal with me about things that are none of her business, which she has a tendency to do. and then if i went home hed come to wherever i am for midtour leave..and i would seriously hurt anyone who tried to take my time from him. So basically when he comes back in march dont expect me to answer or return calls for two weeks ..its nothing personal i just want nothing to do with anyone but him. so ive decided to stay up here and stick it out, because id definitely lose my mind if i were around my family for the next 9 months...i love them to death dont get me wrong..but theyre good in small doses...like twice a year...but others like my meemaw i could spend every day with her and never get bored or go crazy. im just wondering what this deployment is going to do to me as a person, will it change me? has it changed me? i like who i am, i dont want that to happen, but this deployment is really taking the wind out of my sails. and at the same time i wonder if this will change him, i worry about ptsd and all that, i really hope it keeps being as boring as it has been for him. I dont have the patience to deal with him being crazy like some of my friends husbands were and still are to this day messed up from being in iraq. fuck that. i couldnt handle him flying off the handle like my friends husband does at the drop of a flipping hat. i just really want this to be over, im growing increasingly angry about the whole thing...thinking "its his fault that hes there, doing this to me" which i know its a horrid way to think of things..but im mad at him and im mad at the government. so save your patriotic speech for someone who gives a fuck. im very proud of my husband for what hes doing, but it doesnt mean i have to like it or be happy about it. Walk a mile in my shoes and youll know what im talking about.

sorry about being so hostile readers..but its been a really shitty day....

Monday, December 15, 2008

missing my soldier part 1

good evening once again,

Tonight i am really missing my husband. Life just seems so boring without him here. But it has taken him being overseas for me to realize how completely lucky i am to have him in my life. He is truly the most kind person I've ever had the pleasure of knowing. I keep telling myself 3 more months, just 3 more months and ill get to see him for 2 weeks, possibly longer. But i know that 2 weeks is going to fly by like it were an hour. At this point ill take whatever time i can get with him, and be damn grateful for it. Sometimes i find myself wondering, how the hell do people do this with kids??? I find myself falling apart, and i don't even have to take care of anyone but me, well and my dogs, but they're low maintenance. I wonder how women with 2-3 or more kids, how the hell do they even survive with their sanity in tact. That curiosity has led mark and i to an agreement, get out of infantry and well have kids..if you stay in no babies. So naturally he let me have my way so he could have his. Its all about compromise ladies and gentlemen!

Sunday, December 14, 2008

What you know?

As i set off on my newest blogging excursion, im in a very deep thinking mood about how people perceive me. Dont mistake my curiosity for caring, because i really truly dont care how im perceived, not anymore. While in high school, i constantly got the "poor little rich girl" attitude from people. Some are naive enough to think that money solves all other problems. It truly truly doesnt, i grew up with the best of everything and never wanted for anything, but found myself increasingly unhappy. Which as ive gotten older, i have realized, not all that glitters is gold. Sure i had the best of everything, got my first big girl diamond ring when i was 11; wonderful luxury vacations in the carribean. All of it, couldnt make me happy. Most of the "friends" i had in high school never understood. No one realized that instead of time and attention, my mother bought me things to validate our relationship. We never truly were on the same page on anything, she was never in tune to what i was feeling. She separated me from friends and boyfriends who she didnt think were good enough for me, including my now husband. And part of me realizes now, it was her messed up way of protecting me, and protecting her public image. She couldnt have her princess hanging out with people on free lunch, or have a boyfriend whos parents didnt own their own home, at the time. i remember vividly, one argument we had over mark and his family. I made the point of, its a roof over their head, what else matters?? and all she said was, "lyndee is that what you want your future to be, which someone who wont be able to afford to buy you the home you deserve." At one point she was so desperate to get me away from mark, she offered to buy me my dream car. Im very proud that i didnt waiver in my conviction. All through high school i felt a prisoner in my own skin, and social circle...but im very proud to have been able to step out of that arena an come into my own on many different aspect. I befriend those who years earlier would have brought unto me a world of judgement, i befriend who i choose, for the people that they are, not what they have or if theyre the "IN" crowd. ive found my happily ever after with a wonderful man, were making our dreams come true together.. and thats what life is all about..love and happiness.

Saturday, December 13, 2008

About me

good evening all,

i always wanted to start a blog, like a real life big girl blog. But i never seemed to have the time or the patience to write down everything in my life that was/is going on. As of now though, i have the time, and perhaps (temporarily or not) the patience to see it through. I figure there's no correct way to start this out. So perhaps ill tell you about myself. I'm 20 years old, originally from Rochester, Indiana. You probably haven't heard of it, and trust me you're not missing much of anything. But it is my hometown, regardless of the boring small town America place where everyone and their mother knows your business, that little cracker jack sized town will always have a special place in my heart (mostly because my entire family is still there). I'm an only child, my parents divorced when i was two, and my mother married my step father when i was 11. And still i remained the baby of the family, even today at 20 years old, im still looked at as the baby, that needs to be protected and looked after. Even though i live 4000 miles away on my own, but i digress. I graduated from Rochester Community High School in January 7, 2006, a full semester ahead of schedule. Then went straight on to college at IUSB..a sattellite campus of indiana university. But 3 years prior to this, i met the love of my life and my best friend in the whole wide world, Mark. But like many high school sweethearts, as soon as i hit college, we split. He went on to the Army, and i had one hell of a time in college (my grades suffered immensely). i also met my second best friend Beth while in college. This woman deserves a blog of her own, she has been with me through so much, and was one of the very few people who have always supported me regardless of how crazy my ideas were. Beth coming into my life showed me truth in the concept of irony in life. At one point, we HATED each other, mind you we had never met until my first day of college, and basically ever since that first day of college we were inseparable. Mark and Beth went to high school together, and like many young girls i got jealous of her friendship with mark, it just seemed to me when we broke up that she just swooped right in and tried to get with him. That wasnt entirely the case though, Mark was busy with a girl ill call 'hood rat'...that friendship with benefits was shortlived...anyway skip to may 06. Beth and I head down to Fort Benning, GA for a nice weekend with mark, knowing all the while it would be akward as hell. It was literally like torture for me the whole time, i had thought during that time we were apart, that my constant partying would cure me of the love i still felt so intensely for him. And i was ignorant enough to think that i could handle being there with him, the realization that i couldnt break this spell hit me like a brick wall. I was dating someone at the time, although it wasnt serious on my half, this guy was very serious about me, which made things all the more complicated. Anyway, i spent most of that first trip crying myself to sleep. But i knew when he looked at me that things had not gotten any easier for him either. So we didnt talk about anything serious, and 2 days later we got back in my car and beth and i headed back to indiana, not knowing if i could ever make this trip again. I literally cried the whole way home. All 12 hours of it. But he started writing me more and more and he convinced me to come back for his graduation from basic training. So Beth and i loaded ourselves into the car once more and headed down to long road to see him again. This trip was very different, we both admitted to what we were feeling, and decided to get back together. This was the start of our new life together. 6 months later we eloped in a small ceremony in Fairbanks, Alaska. Which is where we live as of now. We lived up here together until september 18th, 2008..thats the day mark left alaska to serve in iraq. its almost been 3 months..and it feels like 3 years truly. But the days are starting to fly by faster and faster luckily. So now im just laying in wait, praying for his safe return....

to be continued...