Tuesday, December 16, 2008

kiss my ass, war!

I felt the need to vent tonight. Mark called this evening and i couldnt be more thrilled with that. But before he left i gave him an angel charm that ive had since i was 5. It was given to me by my uncle, who ive seen twice in my lifetime. Ive been able to keep track of it all these years, and i give it to mark and he loses it in 3 months. He told me, and the very little thread thats been holding me to my sanity snapped. Im a pretty superstitious person, and to me that was the world crashing down, if you get what im saying...im like if that angel was keeping him safe what will now?? so as soon as he told me i found one similar to the one i had given him, and i got it engraved with "be safe my love" which i thought was better than my original thought "lose this one and ill have to hurt you" I just feel so very bad about the whole thing, that little trinket had alot of sentimental value to me, and i trusted him with it, and he lost it, thats something i can never get back. He feels awful about it too, but my last thread snapping made me realize that im not doing as well as i initally thought. i dont know if its the impending holidays or what. But im really starting to feel alone. Ive contemplated many times moving home, but i realize that it makes more sense for me to stay up here. I have a house, a car, and all my stuff here, and it would cost a small fortune to move me from alaska to indiana, and id have to move twice to get back up here when he returns. i just dont think its a good idea. Plus i would probably poke out his mothers eye if she got too personal with me about things that are none of her business, which she has a tendency to do. and then if i went home hed come to wherever i am for midtour leave..and i would seriously hurt anyone who tried to take my time from him. So basically when he comes back in march dont expect me to answer or return calls for two weeks ..its nothing personal i just want nothing to do with anyone but him. so ive decided to stay up here and stick it out, because id definitely lose my mind if i were around my family for the next 9 months...i love them to death dont get me wrong..but theyre good in small doses...like twice a year...but others like my meemaw i could spend every day with her and never get bored or go crazy. im just wondering what this deployment is going to do to me as a person, will it change me? has it changed me? i like who i am, i dont want that to happen, but this deployment is really taking the wind out of my sails. and at the same time i wonder if this will change him, i worry about ptsd and all that, i really hope it keeps being as boring as it has been for him. I dont have the patience to deal with him being crazy like some of my friends husbands were and still are to this day messed up from being in iraq. fuck that. i couldnt handle him flying off the handle like my friends husband does at the drop of a flipping hat. i just really want this to be over, im growing increasingly angry about the whole thing...thinking "its his fault that hes there, doing this to me" which i know its a horrid way to think of things..but im mad at him and im mad at the government. so save your patriotic speech for someone who gives a fuck. im very proud of my husband for what hes doing, but it doesnt mean i have to like it or be happy about it. Walk a mile in my shoes and youll know what im talking about.

sorry about being so hostile readers..but its been a really shitty day....

1 comment:

  1. lyndee.
    i dont know what you are going through. i cant imagine it. but i will listen to you vent, anyday.
    if you need anything, you know you can get at me. i really wish you werent spending the holidays alone up there in that big old icecube. i totally understand your anger, you are more than entitled. i know what you mean, and how it feels to have someone you love ripped away from you. just keep your chin up, and keep talking about it. it'll help soothe your soul, girlfriend.