Saturday, August 15, 2009

what to do at 6 am and not even close to being sleepy.

hello readers,

its been a while since my last blogging excursion, well the last one was kindof a copy/paste blog, but whatever. Not too much has changed here, other than the fact that ive got less than 2 weeks till Mark comes home! yay, go me!

im fucking thrilled about the whole worrying myself to sickness being over, ive been ill more times in the last year than i ever have been. seriously.

this time in my life is very bittersweet, im completely overjoyed that mark is coming home, but i know as soon as he gets home i have to leave like 2 weeks later to face the music at home. My aunt, who has been one of the most influential people in my life, has been in failing health for a year or two now, and the time has come that she will be getting a kidney and pancreas transplant, which is wonderful, but shes so weak they arent completely sure shell survive the operation. ive intentionally stayed away, just because i was afraid to see her so weak, and with the stress of deployment that it really might push me over the edge and make me lose the little bit of sanity i held on to. I can never express how guilty i feel about this, i feel so terrible that i wasnt there for her when shes always been there for me through the darkest times ive faced thus far. im pretty sure that makes me a bad person. but hopefully i can make up for it, its going to break my heart to see her like that, but as someone once said to me "well its not YOUR deathbed" ive been mentally preparing myself for whats coming for a while, and no matter how long i sit and ponder, im still scared shittless and wondering how i am going to pull through this. ive talked to my grandmother alot through this ordeal, were in the same boat you know. She could have lost a daughter any day, and i could have lost a spouse at any day. But since i dont have kids shes got the trump card on me. i cant imagine that kind of pain, the pain of losing a child. even if they are 51 years old. im just scared i guess. death is part of life. i just hate that she might not be able to see my children, i wonder how they could ever know how amazing she is and how influential shes been in making me the person i am today, if shes not here. sure ill talk about her, but like my grandmother talking about her own mother, i know things about her, but i can never see the face to go with the stories, or the smile that everyone always talked about. she was always a safe harbor for me to go to when things were rough at home, before mark and i got married i lived with them until i moved to alaska. but i guess its time to face the music, and go home and see her, it will make her happy, and at least if she doesnt make it ill have made her happy one last time.

well i started this thing out on a good note and ended on a bad its nearly 7 am and i better go to bed or im gonna fall asleep in the theater. audri and i have a movie date to go see the time travelers wife. excited!

Tuesday, June 30, 2009

what not to say to a military flipping true

1. "Aren't you afraid that he'll be killed?"
--This one ranks in at number one on the "duh" list. Of course we're afraid. We're terrified. The thought always lingers at the backs of our minds ---but thanks brilliant, you just brought it back to the front. Maybe next you can go ask someone with cancer if they're scared of dying.

2. "I don't know how you manage. I don't think I could do it."
--This is intended to be a compliment. Though, its just a little annoying. Here's why: it's not like all of us military wives have been dreaming since childhood of the day we'd get to be anxious single moms who carry cell phones with us to the bathroom and in the shower. We're not made of some mysterious matter that makes us more capable, we just got asked to take on a challenging job. So we rose to the challenge and found the strength to make sacrifices.

3. "At least he's not in ....Iraq....."
--This is the number one most annoying comment for those whose husbands are in ....Afghanistan..... What do they think is happening in ....Afghanistan....? An international game of golf? Guys are fighting and dying over there.

4. "Do you think he'll get to come home for Christmas/ anniversary/ birthday/ birth of a child/ wedding/ family reunion, etc?"
--Don't you watch the news? No! They don't get to come home for any of these things. Please don't ask again.

5. "What are you going to do to keep yourself busy while he's gone?"
--Short answer: Try to keep my sanity. Maybe there's a military wife out there who gets bored when her husband leaves, but I have yet to meet her. For the rest of us, those with and without children, we find ourselves having to be two people. That keeps us plenty busy. We do get lonely, but we don't get bored, and drinking massive amounts of wine always helps keep me busy.

6. "How much longer does he have until he can get out?"
--This one is annoying to many of us whether our husbands are deployed or not. Many of our husbands aren't counting down the days until they "can" get out. Many of them keep signing back up again and again because they actually love what they do or they VOLUNTEER AGAIN and AGAIN to go back to ....Iraq.... b/c there is work that needs to be done.

7. "This deployment shouldn't be so bad, now that you're used to it."
--Sure, we do learn coping skills and its true the more deployments you've gone through, the easier dealing with it becomes. And we figure out ways to make life go smoother while the guys are gone. But it never gets "easy" and the bullets and bombs don't skip over our guys just because they've been there before. The worry never goes away.

8. "My husband had to go to ..Europe.. for business once for three weeks. I totally know what you're going through."
--This one is similar to number two. Do not equate your husband's three week trip to London/Omaha/Tokyo/etc. with a 12-15 month or more deployment to a war zone. Aside from the obvious time difference, nobody shot at your husband or tried to blow him up with an I.E.D., your husband could call home pretty much any time he wanted to, he flew comfortably on a commercial plane, slept between crisp white sheets and ate well, paying for everything with an expense account. There is no comparison. We do not feel bonded to you in the slightest because of this comment and, if anything, we probably resent you a bit for it. Comparing a 12 month combat deployment to a few weeks business trip is like comparing a shitty Ford Taurus with a Mercedes convertible.

9. "Wow, you must miss him!"
--This one also gets antoher big "duh." Of course we miss our men. There are some wives who do not and they're now divorced.

10. "Where is he exactly? Where is that?"
--I don't expect non-military folks to be able to find ..Anbar.. ..Province.. on a map, but they should know by now that it's in ....Iraq..... Likewise, know that ..Kabul.. and ..Kandahar.. are in ....Afghanistan..... Know that Muqtada al Sadr is the insurgent leader of the Mahdi Army in ..Iraq.. and that ....Sadr.. ..City.... is his home area. Know that ..Iran.. is a major threat to our country and that it is located between ..Afghanistan.. and ....Iraq..... Our country has been at war in ..Afghanistan.. for seven years and at war in ....Iraq.... for five years. These basic facts are not secrets, they're on the news every night and in the papers every day---and on maps everywhere.

11. "Well, he signed up for it, so it's his own fault whatever happens over there."
--Yes, ignorant, he did sign up. Each and every day he protects your right to make stupid comments like that. He didn't sign up and ask to be hit by anything, he signed up to protect his country. Oh, and by the way, he asked me to tell you that "You're welcome." He's still fighting for your freedom.

12. "Don't you miss sex? I couldn't do it!"
--Hmmm, no I don't miss sex. I'm a robot. Seriously...military spouses learn quickly that our relationships must be founded on something greater than sex. We learn to appreciate the important things, like simply hearing their voices, seeing their faces, being able to have dinner together every night. And the hard truth is, most relationships probably couldn't withstand 12 months of sex deprivation.

13. "Well in my opinion....."
--Stop right there. I didn't ask for you your personal political opinions. Hey, I love a heated political debate, but not in the grocery store, not in Jamba Juice, not at Nordstrom, not in a bar when I'm out with my girls trying to forget the war, and CERTAINLY NOT AT WORK. We tell co-workers about deployments so when we have to spend lunch hours running our asses off doing errands and taking care of the house, dog, and kids, they have an understanding. We do not tell co-workers and colleagues because we are giving an invitation to ramble about politics or because we so eagerly want to hear how much they hate the President, esp. while we're trying to heat up our lean cuisines in the crappy office microwaves.

And last but not least....

14. "OH, that's horrible...I'm so sorry!"
--He's doing his job and he's a badass. Don't be sorry. Be appreciative and please take a moment out of your comfortable American lives to realize that our soldiers fight the wars abroad so those wars stay abroad.

If you want to say anything, say thank you. Say that we all will be in your thoughts and prayers. After all, we are sexually deprived for your freedom. :)

Monday, February 23, 2009

t minus 2 weeks and counting

thats right readers...mark is coming home on march 9th...well let me clarify hell be leaving Iraq March 9th..from there hell go to Kuwait...then from there back to the states

and his leave doesnt start till he gets to i get 2 wonderful weeks with my hubby, and hell be here for my birthday how lucky am i?????

seriously on cloud 9

Sunday, February 15, 2009

updates as of NOW

Good evening all!

It's been a minute since I've written, so to my readers I'm sorry you've missed out on my ranting in the past few weeks. Last night i got home from a 10 day rendezvous with my family in Indiana. It was very exciting and boring at the same time. It seems like every time i go home, nothing ever changes. People, buildings, stores, they're all exactly the same with minor changes someone wouldn't notice until they'd been gone for a while, subtle changes. I got to see most of my family, with the exception of my father-in-law, whose number I'd regrettably neglected to put in my new phone. So I'm a little bummed about that, but i had a great time with everyone else. My mother and i eventually found ourselves going for the others jugular by the end of the 10 days, here's the crazy part; I DIDN'T EVEN STAY AT HER HOUSE!! I guess we are two people who will never get along or see eye to eye on anything. Sometimes I think she still views me as a child, how can a relationship between a mother and daughter progress when one party doesn't view the other party for who they are and what they're capable of? I need therapy to clear up the issues i have with her, so i wont waste your time ranting on a lost cause.

I've been wearing the same contacts for the last 10 days, never taking them out. My left eye is blurry so I'm thinking about ditching my contacts till I have to leave the house aka tomorrow.

OK I'm having an ADD moment! something smells terrible in my kitchen, ive been searching through all my stuff in that room today...and i cannot find the source of the smell...its driving me bat shit!!! theres no food in the house, because there was no sense of buying food when i was leaving for the smell is not cute..and im gassing my house currently with Febreze.

on to brighter subjects. Mark is coming home next month sometime, and I couldnt be more excited..its going to be surreal to see him again, and to live with him again... I just cant wait!!! ive gotten so used to life on my own, and having him thrown back into the mix is going to be interesting and fun!!! only real changes will be my increased cooking and decreased sex deprivation..usually i only eat once a day..but my mark...he eats like a piggy...and multiple times a day! so hopefully i wont forget to feed him or anything...and find him stumbling down the stairs saying "babe we havent eaten all day im hungry" lol oh well he knows how to work a microwave if my cooking attempts falter.

weird thing happened to me today. I was reading a book a military wife wrote about her misadventures of deployment. and her dog died when her husband was away...and im not kidding its the first time since i dropped mark off when he was leaving for iraq..i completely broke were talking crying so hard and squeezing my lids so tight that they overlapped...and i held my Lily for a good hour..before i calmed myself down..i couldnt imagine losing either of my pups especially when mark was away..i think i would seriously lose my marbles. im sure it seems weird to people who dont know me..but ill be the first to say it...Im oddly and very strongly attached to my dogs, hell i LOVE them more than i LIKE most people. people think its strange..but thats ok, because its part of who i an animal well dog for instance..i have spent at least 2,000 in the past year in fees from the airlines to take my dogs home with me, because i dont trust anyone enough to look after them while i go on vacation. but i do trust my dad, hes as neurotic as i am about them. theyre my kids and i love them like a mother would love their child or children, that might change when i actually have a child..but for now thats my opinion on the matter. like when i was killed me when id have to leave lily all day long by herself..that was before baby baron made his debut to our family..but now i couldnt imagine leaving both of them for more than 5 hours...i freaked out the entire ride home and back because Baron had to ride in air cargo, firstly because hes too big to comfortably fit in the traveling bag i use for lily..and more neurotic about lily, not sure why..maybe because she was my first or maybe because she is always there..barons just a pup and oblivious to my emotions lol thirdly because i can only take one dog in the cabin with me and lily doesnt make a peep..and baron bitches and bitches and bitches until he gets his way...little bastard...gotta love them though

well i am now exhausted

so im going to continue this later...and this time it will not be weeks in between my posts

Tuesday, December 16, 2008

kiss my ass, war!

I felt the need to vent tonight. Mark called this evening and i couldnt be more thrilled with that. But before he left i gave him an angel charm that ive had since i was 5. It was given to me by my uncle, who ive seen twice in my lifetime. Ive been able to keep track of it all these years, and i give it to mark and he loses it in 3 months. He told me, and the very little thread thats been holding me to my sanity snapped. Im a pretty superstitious person, and to me that was the world crashing down, if you get what im like if that angel was keeping him safe what will now?? so as soon as he told me i found one similar to the one i had given him, and i got it engraved with "be safe my love" which i thought was better than my original thought "lose this one and ill have to hurt you" I just feel so very bad about the whole thing, that little trinket had alot of sentimental value to me, and i trusted him with it, and he lost it, thats something i can never get back. He feels awful about it too, but my last thread snapping made me realize that im not doing as well as i initally thought. i dont know if its the impending holidays or what. But im really starting to feel alone. Ive contemplated many times moving home, but i realize that it makes more sense for me to stay up here. I have a house, a car, and all my stuff here, and it would cost a small fortune to move me from alaska to indiana, and id have to move twice to get back up here when he returns. i just dont think its a good idea. Plus i would probably poke out his mothers eye if she got too personal with me about things that are none of her business, which she has a tendency to do. and then if i went home hed come to wherever i am for midtour leave..and i would seriously hurt anyone who tried to take my time from him. So basically when he comes back in march dont expect me to answer or return calls for two weeks ..its nothing personal i just want nothing to do with anyone but him. so ive decided to stay up here and stick it out, because id definitely lose my mind if i were around my family for the next 9 months...i love them to death dont get me wrong..but theyre good in small twice a year...but others like my meemaw i could spend every day with her and never get bored or go crazy. im just wondering what this deployment is going to do to me as a person, will it change me? has it changed me? i like who i am, i dont want that to happen, but this deployment is really taking the wind out of my sails. and at the same time i wonder if this will change him, i worry about ptsd and all that, i really hope it keeps being as boring as it has been for him. I dont have the patience to deal with him being crazy like some of my friends husbands were and still are to this day messed up from being in iraq. fuck that. i couldnt handle him flying off the handle like my friends husband does at the drop of a flipping hat. i just really want this to be over, im growing increasingly angry about the whole thing...thinking "its his fault that hes there, doing this to me" which i know its a horrid way to think of things..but im mad at him and im mad at the government. so save your patriotic speech for someone who gives a fuck. im very proud of my husband for what hes doing, but it doesnt mean i have to like it or be happy about it. Walk a mile in my shoes and youll know what im talking about.

sorry about being so hostile readers..but its been a really shitty day....

Monday, December 15, 2008

missing my soldier part 1

good evening once again,

Tonight i am really missing my husband. Life just seems so boring without him here. But it has taken him being overseas for me to realize how completely lucky i am to have him in my life. He is truly the most kind person I've ever had the pleasure of knowing. I keep telling myself 3 more months, just 3 more months and ill get to see him for 2 weeks, possibly longer. But i know that 2 weeks is going to fly by like it were an hour. At this point ill take whatever time i can get with him, and be damn grateful for it. Sometimes i find myself wondering, how the hell do people do this with kids??? I find myself falling apart, and i don't even have to take care of anyone but me, well and my dogs, but they're low maintenance. I wonder how women with 2-3 or more kids, how the hell do they even survive with their sanity in tact. That curiosity has led mark and i to an agreement, get out of infantry and well have kids..if you stay in no babies. So naturally he let me have my way so he could have his. Its all about compromise ladies and gentlemen!

Sunday, December 14, 2008

What you know?

As i set off on my newest blogging excursion, im in a very deep thinking mood about how people perceive me. Dont mistake my curiosity for caring, because i really truly dont care how im perceived, not anymore. While in high school, i constantly got the "poor little rich girl" attitude from people. Some are naive enough to think that money solves all other problems. It truly truly doesnt, i grew up with the best of everything and never wanted for anything, but found myself increasingly unhappy. Which as ive gotten older, i have realized, not all that glitters is gold. Sure i had the best of everything, got my first big girl diamond ring when i was 11; wonderful luxury vacations in the carribean. All of it, couldnt make me happy. Most of the "friends" i had in high school never understood. No one realized that instead of time and attention, my mother bought me things to validate our relationship. We never truly were on the same page on anything, she was never in tune to what i was feeling. She separated me from friends and boyfriends who she didnt think were good enough for me, including my now husband. And part of me realizes now, it was her messed up way of protecting me, and protecting her public image. She couldnt have her princess hanging out with people on free lunch, or have a boyfriend whos parents didnt own their own home, at the time. i remember vividly, one argument we had over mark and his family. I made the point of, its a roof over their head, what else matters?? and all she said was, "lyndee is that what you want your future to be, which someone who wont be able to afford to buy you the home you deserve." At one point she was so desperate to get me away from mark, she offered to buy me my dream car. Im very proud that i didnt waiver in my conviction. All through high school i felt a prisoner in my own skin, and social circle...but im very proud to have been able to step out of that arena an come into my own on many different aspect. I befriend those who years earlier would have brought unto me a world of judgement, i befriend who i choose, for the people that they are, not what they have or if theyre the "IN" crowd. ive found my happily ever after with a wonderful man, were making our dreams come true together.. and thats what life is all and happiness.